i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
