Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
