My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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