he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
