You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
