I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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