Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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