Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
