Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
