to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
