I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
