The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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