Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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