Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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