I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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