i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
