I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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