You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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