Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
