Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
