You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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