just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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