Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize