i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
two words...techno handjob
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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