There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
