omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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