wanna go halves on a baby?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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