there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
