Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
