so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
