This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
