My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
