i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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