is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
