got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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