I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
