I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
