I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
