Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
