I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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