Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
