you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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