I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
