oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
