Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
