I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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