this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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