Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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