Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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