"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
