She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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