my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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