i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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