Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
