I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
